Saturday, July 1, 2017

You care so much about S, and who's looking at her and who she's talking to, and JH, and what he's doing, if he's treating his girlfriend right. And where JD is, and what he's doing, and if he's ok. And meanwhile, I'm walking by myself, looking like I'm alone. JD hugs me and touches me (too much), and JH, makes sure that I'm still there, and tells me how nice I look tonight. But you don't even touch me once, or barely pay any attention to me. You should be worrying about our relationship first, and then when we're perfect, worry about other people's relationships. I want somebody to worry about me, like he's you worry about everybody else. 

And I can't tell you how I feel, because you'll just get mad at me. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I feel like I'm suffering the most painful death on the inside, and on the outside, I'm showing no emotion. I feel like I can't get high enough right now.
I hate change. I feel like I can't breathe right now, when I think about the next little while.
I don't know if I'm dying or already dead these days.
I had a conversation with myself in the mirror today, reassuring myself that I will be able to get through this. Because it's hard to tell sometimes.
Everything's hard these days, even the little things.
Then the depression hits, but that's another story all in itself.
Change is a bitch.

I hate change, and don't do well with nostalgia.

June 2nd
Shit eh, a years gone by already in this house.
It's been a bumpy as fuck ride, that's all I can say.
Looking back, I honestly don't know how I got through most of it, I guess I'm stronger than I thought I was.
And I had one or two guardian angels that did more for me than they'll ever know.
They both probably saved my life to be honest. One did for sure.
Most of it was a blurr, I feel like I tried to block out all the worst parts; which was 95% of the memories.
But some things you just can't forget, and never will. The mind can't erase everything completely.
As fucked as it was, I have no regrets.
I lost some friends, made some new ones.
Found my best friend.
And as sad as I am to leave this house, and all of it's memories behind; good and bad. I know that it's the only way to move on, and nothing else makes sense.
I have peace with this decision because I get to take with me, the only good thing about my past year.
And as long as I have him, I know everything else will be fine.
It's definitely harder to move on than I ever imagined, but I'm hoping that this fresh start will be better than the last; and I hope more than anything, that the people that truly matter, will stay in my life even after all of us are gone. I hope that we can still be best friends.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I literally can't breathe sometimes when you leave.
I need you. I need everything you offer me.
Security, support in every way: emotional, mental, etc.
You're always there for me, every day when I need you, you're there.
I'm terrified of losing you. Every day it crosses my mind several times.
I don't know how I got myself into this mess. All I know, is that you're trying to save me from it, and I would never take back any of it for anything.
You've been here for me when I needed you the most.
It's funny how you've become the one, able to calm me down, and help my anxiety.
What am I going to do if I lose you?
You're everything to me. I feel like I'm nothing without you, and I hate that.
I hate feeling so strongly for any one person, and depending on them so much,
I feel like if I lose you, I lose absolutely everything.
I love you. And I want nothing less than to be with you for the rest of my life. You're my everything B.

Like honestly I don't know what I would have done without you these past 8 months.                        You've been my everything the whole time.
I would have gone completely insane without you there.
You're so good to me, that's why we're good for each other; we treat each other right, we both need that so badly.
I love you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do, and everything you've done.
I'm so happy I have someone like you to keep me together.

Every day I wake up wondering how I got so lucky with you.
And everyday, I realize that I'm falling for you so hard.
I can't help it. We click so good, and I can't help feeling like I will never meet someone again, that I have this kind of a connection with.
We're honestly perfect for each other, and I pray everyday that you see it too.
I wanna be with you forever, and I hope you want the same.
I love you and you love me, so let's make this last forever.

The things you say to me....?
Like how do you even come up with this shit?
You amaze me everyday,
I can't imagine my life without you, you're my best friend and I can't even begin to think about losing you.
I need you. I think that's why this is so hard too. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes when you're not here, it hurts so bad to be away from you. Makes me feel so low, I guess that's why I get so high.
I love you. And every time I think I can't feel stronger than I already do about you, I surprise myself.
It scares me to be with you though, it scares me more than anything to fully give myself to you, because I know your past. I know what you're like, and I will ALWAYS be wondering in the back of my mind if you've ever cheated on me.
I don't want it to be like that, and I REALLY don't think you'd ever cheat on me, but you never know really.
Chang my mind, I dare you.

I will be the greatest possible person I can be for you, because that's what you make me want to be: a better person.
I will love you every single second of my existence.
I will continue to give you everything I have, and stay faithful to you till the end of forever.
I want nothing but you.
I need nothing but you.
I love you to the moon and back B.

The only memories I have from these past months involve you.
I think I've managed to almost completely block out every other terrible memory.
You are the greatest thing that's ever been mine. I want you like this forever.
I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you.
We have a connection that I will never find with anyone else. Ever.
And I know that you know this.
And I don't ever want to have to find that connection with anyone else.
I just want you.
Only you. Forever.

8 Months now, and you still make me nervous.
You make my knees weak, and my heart beat so fast.
I feel like I can't breathe sometimes when I catch you looking at me.
I've never felt such love for someone before, and to feel that love back, it's the greatest high I could have ever imagined.
I love you with everything that I have.
I would be nothing without you. I am forever grateful for everything that you've done for me the past few months. These months would have been the lowest part of my life if you hadn't been there with me. Instead, they've been the greatest months of my life.
I hope you and me will always be together.
I hope that we'll always be as in love as we are now.
I hope we never get boring, and I hope that we will never forget these times; When everything was so incredibly complicated and fucked, but we kept our shit simple, and just loved, instead of absolutely everything else we felt. And we had each other, it was the only way I made it through. Knowing that no matter what happened, I would have you in the end. I hope I can always be assured of that.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

I've never in my life felt this way about someone before. I know I say that a lot, and I know I think that I feel it alot, but it's never been this way before.
I am 100% head over heels in love with you. And you know it.
Today, we laid in my bed and you tried to get me to admit for an hour that I was in love with you and I refused. Why can't you see that I can't say it first, you have to do it. Because you need to be ready, If I say it too soon, I could fuck it up, you need to be ready for this, and I don't know if you are yet. That's my job, to wait for you to be ready. I can't live without you, and when you realize that you can't live without me either, I'll be ready and waiting for you.
You make me feel things I've never felt before.
And you make me want to be a better person.
I want nothing more than to be with you every single day for the rest of my life.
There's no one more perfect for me than you. And I will conitinue to die everyday until you realize that. Sure I can do better, but I don't care to, and am completely uninterested in anyone that isn't you.
I am in love with you. It's as simple as that. I pray everyday that you feel the same way, and that you won't break my heart.
I don't want to live a life that you're not apart of. You're everything to me.

Sometimes when you're not here, especially when we've been apart for a while, it hurts so bad, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. Literally. Sometimes I cry it hurts so bad.
I feel like you hold me together.
You're the only thing keeping me from falling apart. You're everything to me.

There's not a day that goes by, where I don't think of you every second. The only thing I have to look forward to every day is you, and being with you. You're all I have.
I don't know if you'll ever fully understand what you mean to me.
You've saved me in so many ways.
You show me why I want to live, and what this life has to offer me.
You make me remember the things I like about life.
Please don't ever leave me, I don't want to find out what life is like without you.
I don't want to live a life that you're not a part of.
I love you with everything that I am and I always will B.
Please never forget that.

Today I was trying to think of the kind of guy I want to be with forever, if you and me don't work out.
The only characteristics I could think of for my ideal guy, were everything that you are.
Shares my interests.
Makes me feel beautiful
Desire to constantly be with him
Protective (the right amount)
Someone I'm 100% comfortable around
Someone I'm insanely attracted to
Someone who is the perfect combination of serious and silly
Someone who's open and honest
You're passionate for so many things and you have a zest for life

As cheesy as it sounds, I truly believe that you are my soul mate. I can't picture myself with anyone other than you, I really can't. And I don't want to ever have to.

I believe in fate, and I believe that everything happens for a reason. And as sorry as I am about what happened to you and K, I believe that it happened for a reason. We're just meant to be together, we're good for eachother. We just work so perfectly together. It's beautiful.

Fate brought us together, and I love you, and I'm dying to know if you feel the same way.
I don't care what I do in life, or where i go, as long as I do it with you.
I want you there for everything, every second of it.
I love you with everything that I have, and I always will.

The way I feel about you is actually insane. I can striaght up say I've never felt like this before.
There's not one single second that goes by, that I don't think of you. I honestly think about you 24/7. It freaks me out too.
I don't now what it is about you, it's not like you treat me amazing or anything. I think it's just the chemistry between us that I can't get over. We literally cannot be alone without jumping each others bones.
The chemistry between us is undeniable, and it's what got us into trouble in the first place, and what continues to get us in trouble, time and time again.
I'm not really sure what either of us are trying to pull right now, but both of us know that we can't just be friends, and chill, and hangout. It just doesn't work. We're too attracted to each other.

I die when I think about you.
I don't know what I want from you, or what I want for us.
All I know is that I love you.
I've never loved someone before, and I hate that these feelings I have finally, are for you of all people.
I just want you, that's all it is.
I don't want labels or complications. Just me and you, together.
I love spending time with you, that's all I wanna do. I just want to spend every second of every day with you.
You make me happy, and you make me feel whole inside when my world is literally falling apart.
You're one of the only people that understand how fucked my life is, and you've been there the whole time; you're the only thing keeping me sane. And I love you for that.
I love you.

I'm falling for you hard, and no one sees how hard, except me.

You destroyed me.
You used me for your pleasure, made me feel like I was special to you, then fucking destroyed me. And I was stupid enough to let you do it.
I don't know why for one second I though I stood a chance against her, she has you fuckin trapped so good. You'll never be able to escape.
You literaly chose to be in the same fucked up relationship that you've been in this whole time, that you hate and constantly complain about. The one you were just SO happy to fuckin be rid of, you're gonna fuckin go back to that shit..........? Ya, ok bro.
And she's never gonna let you come over to my house again, that's for damn sure. So, say goodbye to seeing all your friends. Sounds awesome!
And you have the fucking nerve to choose that mess of a relationship over the single life, where you get to chill with your friends 24/7 and continue to fuck me with no strings attached. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE..........!!!!!!!!!!!
You are an idiot. You said the sex with her was terrible. And that I was the best you've ever had. You're also addicted to sex, soooooo..... have fun with that!
You're just an idiot in general, you just listen to whoever is in your head at that time, and she talked you into hell before I could talk you out of it. I just hope you're happy. And I hope you always remember what we had, and I hope you always regret not finding out what we could have been.
You were my first love.
And it's a shame that I didn't realize it until you were gone.

You need to make a fucking decision.
Because right now, all you're doing is hurting everyone. And it's shitty, I hate feeling like this.
I like you, that's all there is to it. And you either like me back, or you don't.
Your ex loves you, obviously, you've been together for 3 years. You're obviously fuckin connected to her in some way. You're both so unhappy tho. Why do you keep going back to your old shitty relationship, all you guys do is fight, break up, and get back together.
And all you do is talk about how miserable you are with her, and how happy you are with me, so I just don't understand what the fuck the issue with making a decision is.
You're playing me so hard right now, and I hate it. I don't want to fucking wait around for you to decide who you want to be with, it's a no brainer. And I don't EVER want to be someone's choice, I want to be your first pick always. Your girlfriend won't even let you come over here if you guys date again. She won't want you near me, and all your friends are gonna be here. That's sweet that you're choosing to date her, over chilling with your friends and fucking me with no strings attached, are you mental....? Goodye to your atrocious decision making skills.
Make a choice soon or lose me for good, fuck.

I'm not physically upset about what you're doing with her right now because I want what's best for you, unlike her. I want you to be happy, she's only looking out for herself. She just knows that's what's best for her, being with you. I like you, and we could definitely be something in the future. I need time to learn to trust you though. You just cheated on your girlfriend, what makes you think I am ready to be the next. I do like you though, and I guess the idea of us dating is not that unrealistic. It could happen.

Fuck you for making me think for one second I was any different from the rest. I gave everything I could give at the time, and I got slapped in the fast.

The way you make me feel is so incredible.
You drive me crazy with everything you do.
I want whatever we have right now to last forever.
I just want you to be around in my life always. I just want you there for everything.
I love just being with you.
I love everything about you, and I want to know you like this forever.

I'm falling for you hard.
I just feel completely smitten by you.
Everything you say to me.
Everytime you touch me, I just melt inside.
You are the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me, and it just feels too good to be true.
I hope you and me never end.
I hope this lasts forever, I hope we make it.

Holy fucking shit. The things you do to me.....
You drive me absolutely insane, the sexual tension between us could destroy anything.
I've never liked someone in this real of a way before. Normally I would have peaced the guy so early, the second I see him starting to have feelings for me. But you...I just couldn't let you go, even though I saw myself having feelings for you.
But in the end it all turned out so perfectly. I'm happy she found out what we were doing, I honestly am. And I'm obviously overjoyed that you guys broke up, it just kills me to see you sad about it all.
And I'm so happy the way things are going between us. We both want the same general things, and we click so well.
I just love being with you, and spending time with you.
I think I just really like you, a lot.

I like who you actually are. I like the moments we spend together. I sincerley cherish them. You're the kind of person I want to grow old with.

I don't remember the last time I was this depressed.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The First Time He Said He Loved Me

"You're so funny right now. I love you--I love your style." He says to me.

I interrupt him and change the subject cause he looks embarassed by what he accidentally said.

Then he grabs me all cute and shit and just holds me for a while. We don't talk. Just lay there in eachother's arms. He kisses me everywhere and holds me tighter; it's almost as if he's trying to figure out if he actually does love me.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Since I don't know the best way to describe how I feel about you, and there are absolutely no words to fully describe it either, I'm jut going to get high instead, and say the things that I like about you, now:
1. You always turn me on, no matter what you do. Whether you're trying to or not.
2. You care about me. And in general, you're a very caring person
3. I genuinely think you're a cutie.
4. The way you talk to me, and acutually fuck, the way you just talk in general I personally think is sexy as fuckin shit.
5. I can tell that you're very reliable, and if I ever needed someone, you'd be there for me.
6. I love how open and comfortable we are with eachother, that's honestly my favourite part. It's like I'm chillin with my best friend, who all of a sudden morphs into the guy of my dreams who I fuck, and share the most indescribable moments with. I just feel like you're my perfect guy in every single way.
7. I love the way you smell honestly, it makes me want to fuck you every second, of every day. It's the greatest smell ever.
8. I love how you make me feel, and the way that you look at me. You legitimately think that I am beautiful, and never pass up a chance to remind me.
9. I die when you call me lady. I don't know why, and I'll never be able to explain it, but it's hands down, the sexiest thing a guy has ever done or said to me.
10. I love just being with you, as much as I love fucking you. I love how we can just chill all the time and have real fuckin conversations. It's amazing and absolutely perfect.
I don't know who I should listen to and who's opinions and ideas I should ignore. Waah.

J says that you don't give a fuck about me, you'll never break up with your girlfriend in a million years, and that I deserve someone better than you that focuses all his attention on me, and doesn't have a girlfriend.

S says that there is no way in hell you will ever break up with your girlfriend, and you're playing me so hard--just using me for sex. He says that he cares for me, and he's just looking out for me, and that you're no good for me.

J, your best friend: He told my best friend that he thinks you like me better than your girlfriend. And he told me that he thinks that you like me.

You said that you like me, and you have feelings for me.
You want to break up with your girlfriend but you just don't have the balls to do it. And you hate relationships just like I do, so since you're probably not gonna be in another one anytime soon, why end this one? Why not just keep it to fall back on, and act single for the time being.
You talk about being with me someday. And you've talked about marrying me once.

All I know, is that I wanna be with you and this get's harder and harder everyday for me. And I don't think it's ever gonna get easier. I like you, that's all there is to it, as much as I don't want it to be true, it kills me that you have a girlfriend, I hate the idea of you being with any other girl, other than me. And I hate the way she treats you, you deserve so much more than that. The moments we share together are unlike anything I've ever experienced, and I can honestly say that the feelings I have for you, I have never felt for anyone, ever before. It's crazy to me. But I can't help it.

I think I might love you.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The way you make me feel sometimes is absolutely incredible.
Honestly, just from talking to you for 5 minutes, I can sense the sexual tension, and we can't keep our hands off of eachother.
I despise being in the same room as you, with other people, because we can never act like we're fucking. I guess it's kinda hot actually, not being able to jump your bones anytime I want to.?
Whatever I guess I'm down for now.
Until I make your realize that I'm everything you're looking for and more.
Please realize this.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I just feel like I have no one to talk to about this.
I'm so upset about it, it's always on my goddamn mind, I can't get it out.
And I just feel so broken about it, honestly.
No one want to talk about it with me, so whatever. I'll just keep all my thoughts and feelings inside, and not tell anyone. One day I'm gonna wake up and I'm just gonna crack so hard from being under all of the pressure.
I don't know how much longer I can do this, giving myself completely like this to someone else, who may or may not share any of my feelings.
Fuck boys, fuck relationships, fuck talking about them. And also, fuck the fact that I have abolutely not one person to talk to.
I just feel like either way I"m gonna be the one that's gonna get hurt. It doesn't matter what your decision is for anything, I am gonna be the one hurt in the end. It's gonna fuckin be me.
And the most annoying part of it, is that I actually have some fucking feelings for your ass. I know, I know, it's sick after the way you treat me. But I just can't help it at all. I have strong feelings for you, real fuckin strong. I know I say this about a lot of people, but when it comes to you, I actually mean it: I can honestly say that the feelings I have for you, I have never had for a single other person. I'm not gonna say I love you, because I don't think I know you well enough to come to that desicion just yet. But my feelings for you are unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and they scare me, a lot.
And it also sucks because I can't tell if you actually care about me like you say you do, or if you're just lying for the sex. I wish I knew. And until you tell me to leave you alone, I sadly feel like I'm just gonnakeep doing what I'm doing. Cause I'm pathetic like that. It just hurts me to think that you like me, because those are the things you tell me, and then hear from your friends that you're just using me, and any feelings he has for me aren't as real as I think they are. It honestly breaks my heart to hear.
Fuck you, honestly for playing with my heart like that.
I honestly want something with you, something I've never wanted from someone else before. I legitimately can see myself in a relationship with you.
I'm so comfortable around you, all the time, doesn't matter what we're doing. You make me laugh constantly, and I need that from someone. You treat me so good too, always giving me rides and  treats and who could ever forget the sex, I can't see how it could possibly be any better. You're always there to listen to me when I need someone to talk to, and I like how you can openly talk to me to about anything.
I love how we can go from having a serious conversation about anything, to hooking up in the hottest way possible in .2 seconds. We're so funny together, like it's just so fuckin hot when we're together all the time.
I just think that we work so well together, and I care about you a lot more than I ever thought I would. And I think that deep down, you feel the same way. I just wish that you would come to terms with that and fuckin realize it.
I like you, I'm starting to realize that now, and as much as I want to ignore it, and hope that those feelings go away, I just can't do it. I have to act on my feelings, sorry.
I like you so much it pains me. I honestly cannot even stand to be around you. The sexual tension between the two of us, could destroy absolutely anything and everything, I am willing to do anything for you, absolutely anything, and you know that, that's why the sex is so good. I know deep down in my heart how you feel about me, and I know that you care about me regardless. I just wish it wasn't so complicated and all about the sex. Because I actually like you a lot, and it's really fuckin shitty that you don't feel remotely the same for me. I honestly have real feelings for you though, and it sucks. I wanna be with you, but I also know that you will NEVER break up with your girlfriend, and we'll NEVER be together. It's shitty as fuck.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I don't know how I'm supposed to act right now, or what I'm supposed to feel like.
Too many secrets, too much bullshit going on. But it's all so good, I can't stop any of it.
So I guess for now, we'll all live in secrecy, we'll all just keep living the lives we're living.
As for you and me, i don't ever want this to end. All I can think about is you. I can't sleep or do anything without having thoughts about you. I want you here every day. I want you in my life 24/7. It's shitty you have a girlfriend..... I don't give a fuck though, as long as I get as much attention as her :) Oooops, does that make me a sick person, good thing I don't care.
I like you too much, to stop this now.
I just have the weirdest feelings towards you. Ones I've never felt before. I cant figure out what they are and what they mean. All I know is I've never felt them before, and you make me crazy.
I just need you here with me, always. You keep me stable, you balance me out.
I can only hope and pray that you feel the same about me.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Words cannot truly express what I feel right now.
I never ever in a million years thought I would be THAT girl. That nasty slut that everybody hates, the one that you're boyfriend cheats on you with.
I realize completely what I did was obviously very wrong. And I am completely in the wrong here. It just sucks though because I do have feelings for you, and the hardest thing is knowing that you're constantly with her.
I just want you all for myself. You came onto me, and it was harder to say no than I would have ever thought.
I just love how comfortable we are around each other, it's the best. We have the best chemistry, I see fireworks whenever we're together.
I hate that I'm starting to have feelings for you though. I need to realize that you are too much of a puss, to dump her. And so waiting around for you is a waste of time, but I can't stop thinking about you and what happened. It was indescribable, how am I just supposed to forget something like that.
I can't. I just can't do it.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I legitimately haven't had this much hatred for someone in a long fucking time.
You are one of the most disgusting people i've ever met.
There's not one thing about you that I can stand.
I'm not even so mad about what you did to me, it's the fucking goddamn fact that you are so incredibly fuckked in the head, that you literally don't think you did anything wrong, and if I was ever even stupid enugh to forgive you, you'd probably fucking do it again. You are a sick person, and I can't stand you. I can't stand that I always have to hear your name, I hate it, it makes me want to punch something. I hate that you're always around, it makes me wanna punch you. I just hate you in general. I hate that you talk about me to people, as if you're in the right and I'm in the wrong. Fuck you, are you that twisted and that much of a fucking slutty whore, that you actully think you did nothing wrong, you never fail to blow my mind. You disgust me, how you have no standards.You make me sick, how you think you have so many friends, la la la, you're such a good friend, just living your life, being a good friend. FUCK YOU SLUT. You legit don't know the first thing about being a friend, you are the farthest thing from being trustworthy, and the farthest thing from being a good friend. You don't think about anyone except for yourself, that's being a really good friend! The fact that there is nothing you won't do, doesn't really work in a friendship, sorry. Get over yourself, you're nothing, you're no one, you will never amount to anything or anyone. I hate you so much. The fact that you can even wake up in the morning and look at yourself disgusts me, hell, the fact that you wake up in the morning disgusts me. You're a coward and a pussy. I wish you could hear yourself talk when I try and start a friendly conversation with you, it's absolutely revolting. Your face turns red, and your jaw does this weird thing, and you move your head violently when you talk, and then of course there's that fucking voice, "Um, well, I dunno," so fucking shakey, and stuttery and whiney. TALK NORMAL. It's gross. Anywho, I hate you, I'm over your name always coming up in conversation, you're face always making an appearance in my life, GOODBYE to you. I'm just sitting around eagerly waiting for the moment when you fuck with my friends like you fucked with me. They will tear you apart and eat you alive. And they will FINALLY realize how much you suck, how disgusting you are, and they will FINALLY see you for what you are: A whore. Just everyones fuckin whore. Good luck in life, you should go really far!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Today when I looked into the mirror, after experiencing one of two, of the world's most wonderful showers (both of which were had on drugs), I thought to myself, this right here, is all I want to be for the rest of my life: high, and happy. Repping my piercings and tattoos so hard, straight up, hippie bitch. Why do so many things get in the way of this happening, it's all I want. Boo. Fuck everything else.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

You will never know how much you mean to me.
Every day you help me stay alive.
We don't talk that much, but you have so much faith in me.
I love the way you look at me, as if I'm an inspiration of some sort.
You always know what to say, and are always so kind to me.
I'm so happy I know you.
But not so happy about the way that you toy with my emotions.
Love you still.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I feel sick to my stomach about the person that you've become.
Why are you trying so damn hard to ruin my life, and get me in trouble.
I just don't get it.
I mean, I know you're jealous of my friendships, but that doesn't give you any right to try and ruin them.
You just need to realize that you are no longer part of my life, as much as you want to be.
And we will NEVER be the friends we used to be, so stop trying.
I have nothing to say to you anymore.
We're completely done. You're cut from my life.
I want nothing to do with you.
This was the choice you made, when you decided to try and fuck with my life.
Fuck you.
And I hope you enjoy your lonely life.
Cause you will never again be a part of mine.
Fuck you for trying to get in the middle of me and my best friend.
Fuck you for thinking that you have any say in how my life pans out.
Fuck you for thinking you could get me in trouble over nothing.
Fuck you for thinking you're better than everyone else.
And fuck you for fucking with me just because YOUR life sucks, and you want some company at the bottom.
Bitch, let me lay this out for you right now so you understand.
1. No one likes you. And the people that you think you have in your life, they constantly talk shit about you to me. It used to bug me too that they were so two faced to you, until you decided to fuck with me. Now I just think it's hilarious that the few people that you do have in your life, talk shit about you too. Hahahahahahahahaa.
2. Your life sucks, just sayin. It's just a really really sad life. So stop thinking you're better than everyone else, cause you're not. You're not better than anyone. Except for maybe a homeless person.
3. Legit just stop being obsessed with my life, you need to move on. I know that my life's pretty legit, especially right now, and you're jealous of all the things that are working out for me right now. But get over it. Sorry. Bi.

Peace out faggot.
Hopefully your life will get better soon, so you can stop obsessing over mine.
Just leave me alone.
You're like the green onions that I hate, that I find in all my food.
It's just there. And I hate it. And as much as I try and pick it out, there always seems to be some leftover, and it just fucks up my whole meal.
So stop fucking with my life, and please just vanish from it.
K :)
I can't stop thinking about you, It's been happening for days now.
And frankly, I don't want it to end.
You're so good to me.
The way you can always make me laugh.
The way you make me feel as if I'm the only person you care about in the world.
The way you make me feel. It's indescribable.
The attention, the compliments, it all makes me feel so damn special.
You're the only person who's made me this comfortable with myself, and with others.
Thank you.
For being the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Thank you.
For being, the most amazing person for me.
The feelings I have for you, I've never felt for someone else before.
Thank you for showing me that I can maybe be happy someday.
As long as you're in my life, I know that will never be a problem.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I'm more than excited to start this new chapter in my life with you guys.
I love you all to death, you mean the world to me.
There's absolutely no one on earth that I'd rather be doing this with, and I can't wait to start.
Love you bitches forever and always.

I know you're terrified of commitment, I am to.
You need to understand that.
No one's more scared of it than I am.
You said tonight that I'm the only girl that's ever meant anything to you. I'm the only one you want to be with.
That's exactly how I feel about you.
You're the only one for me.
I've never in my entire life wanted to be in a relationship with someone, and then you came along.
Now you're all I ever think about.
You're constantly on my mind.
I want to be with you.
I wanna wake up with you, and I wanna fall asleep next to you.
All I can think about is how badly I want you.
Please take a chance with me, because I'm willing to take a chance with you.

I don't know what to say right now, and I definitely don't know what to feel.
I can't believe what you do to me.
You make me feel like no one else ever has, and it scares the shit out of me.
The feelings that I can see you're starting to have for me, make me want to run and never look back.
The way you look at me when I talk to you about absolutely nothing, and stay enthralled the entire time, as if I'm the only thing you're ever cared about listening to.
The way you constantly compliment me, and make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, one hundred percent of the time.
And the fact that you always want to spend your time with me, above everyone else.
All these things scare me more than words could ever possibly describe.
That's why I'm hesitant.
Because it scares me that you want to be with me.
It scares me a lot.

It scares me so much to think about how much I care about you.
It scares me, because for the first time in a long time, it feels real.
And not only does it feel unbearably real, but it also feels so right.
I just hope that I'm right.
Please god let me be right.

I know you don't think that I tell you everything. And you're right.
I don't.
But you have to understand how hard it is for me to fully give myself over to someone like that.
I've been hurt so bad by people in the past, that I just don't feel secure anymore with my feelings being shared.
I tell you as much as I can, trust me.
I can't deal with anyone's judgement right now, which is why I can't tell you everything.
But there isn't one person on this planet who knows everything.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My life is falling apart.
The only thing in my life I can control right now is my body.
So I am going to work my ass off to have my dream body in time for summer.
If I can't control or fix anything else in my life, I can at least try to control this.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I feel so broken lately.
Like my life is falling apart.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Sometimes I think, dying would just be the easiest option.
I wish someone would just do it for me, and get it over with.
I'm so over this life I'm living right now.
I want it to be over already.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Apartment hunting.
It's hard as fuck.
Especially when you're broke as fuck.
Why is it so hard to find a nice place in a nice area, that isn't ridiculously expensive.
I'm a struggling student for god sakes.
It's cause I'm picky, I know.
But I'm not settling for anything. And unfortunately for me, there's only one place I can picture myself.
So hopefully everything will fall into place.
I'm nervous as fuck to finally have my own place and start this new chapter in my life.
But it's definitely necessary, and I definitely feel ready.

Here's the thing I just realized. Today. Right now. And it's kinda freakin me out.
You have feelings for me, and I'm not scared away.
This has never happened before.
Everytime someone expresses any sort of feelings for me, I back away like the plague.
I don't know why, it's just what I do.
I think it's part of my instincts to save myself from getting hurt.
And usually the opposite happens when someone doesn't like me, the more they don't like me, the more I like them.
It's fucked, I know. I'm well aware.
But today when I was thinking about you, and what had just happened, I realized that I wasn't scared away.
I realized for the first time in my life, that I was down for it.
That your feelings for me, didn't make me want to run and hide.
I guess this is good.
And it's gotta mean something right?
I guess subconsciously I know your good for me.
It sure is crazy. But I'm down.
For the first time ever.

I've never spent this much time with someone in my life, and not been sick of them.
You understand me so well, and I feel like we're so simliar in so many ways.
I know I haven't known you for that long, but it truly feels like I've known you forever.
I really do feel like you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for always being there for me.
Thanks for letting me be apart of your life.

I just need someone who is willing to break down all my walls I've been building up for so long.
Someone who cares enough to stick around, with my crazy insane ass, instead of giving up right away.
I can't explain the things I do, I'm insane.
And I need someone who understands that, and wants to help.
I need someone.
Someone who won't give up on me, like everyone else has.

Why does commitment freak me out so much?
I can't even think about it, it makes me feel numb inside.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I would never be able to forgive myself if I ever cheated on someone. It's not even that I think I would be capable of something like that, cause I don't think I am; I just don't want to in the situation.
It also has a lot to do with the fact, that just the thought that anyone would want to spend a commited and dedicated amount of time with me, makes me sick.
Who in their right mind would ever want that? Is what goes on in my head.
It also has to do with my difficulty and fear of letting people in, and giving myself to someone, letting them see my vulnerability.
I've never been good with relationships of any sort due to my commitment phobia.
I know I need to grow up, move on and get over it.
But it's so much harder than it sounds.
I have too much pride to be a slut.
But not enough of anything, to fully let anyone into my life, or to form any real relationships with anyone.
I'm fucked up.
And I am currently fucking up big time.

Can't stop thinking of you,
I can't get to sleep at night,
cause I'm thinking of you.
Can't concentrate on my studies,
cause I'm thinking of you.
It's annoying really. Since I'm almost sure you're not thinking of me.
I constantly plan out conversations and scenarios in my head that I wish we'd have.
You're not just some guy to me.
I feel like it's more than that.
That's why I act differently about you. That's why I wanna take it slow.
Cause I don't wanna mess things up with you.
I know I'm frustrating.
I'm shy. I don't give you the attention you want.
I don't give you anything you want, to be honest.
But I promise that if you're patient, and try to understand me; my abnormalities and all, that
you'll realize what I realize: I think that we're really good together.
We're total opposites, and opposites work well together.
And I think we would.
I can't stop thinking about you.
There has to be a reason for it.

Friday, March 23, 2012

So tired of always thinking the same thoughts about you before I sleep.
Why do you get to be the last thing I think about?
What makes you so special?
So tired period. Of the bullshit that makes relationships so hard.
So tired period of everything about me, that causes relationships to fail.
My commitment phobia.
My fear of someone falling in love with me.
My fear of giving myself fully to someone else.
Some days it seems harder than others, but at the end of the day, I realize that I need to grow up and get over myself and over my fears.
I've been lonely lately. More so than ever before.
I need to make changes to better myself. I need to find someone who makes me happy.
Someone who can be there for me when no one else is, which is often.
And someone to care for me, and look out for me.
I've been alone for too long.
I need to move forward and grow up.
I need to start building relationships, instead of pushing everyone away.
I need to believe in myself again.
And I need to believe that the life I want, exists.
Somewhere. Anywhere. And I will get to it somehow.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

You will never truly understand how much you mean to me.
You have changed my life in every possible way a life can be changed.
You have made me the person I am today, and I will forever be grateful for that.
I just wish that there was some way that I could give back a small part of what you have given to me.
I will forever be thankful for your existence and for fate allowing us to meet.
I don't know where I would be today without you, and it scares me to even contemplate such things.
We're in it for the long haul, and there's no chance I would have it any other way.
You and me baby, we're stuck like glue.

I have lived where I currently live for my whole life.
This city is the definition of a love hate relationship, and everyone here knows it.
As much as I hate to live here, I do feel some sort of loyalty to it.
But when I think about the world and everything out there, I truly realize how necessary it is to leave.
My two dream destinations for various reasons are California and New York.
When I think of these two places in comparison to my current living arrangements, it seems like a no brainer to pack up all my shit, and run for the hills.
But then of course there's the loyalty I feel for my city, and the handful of loved ones I do have here.
And my favourite barrier, that I seem to have in the way of all my dreams: cash money flow.
It sucks, and as much as I assure myself that I will get out of here one day, if it's the last thing I do; I'm not an idiot, and I know that the chances of it happening are slim to none.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I'm much too fascinated with the world for my own good.


The first thing I think of when I wake up, is how badly I need to escape.


There is nothing I love more than falling asleep under my open window.
The spring breeze.
The smell of the world.
The sound of the cars and the animals.
The world is such an amazing place when one sits down to really think about it.
Just takin it in.

Anonymously yours

I feel like I'm such a dreamer.
I fee like I have so many ambitions and goals.
I feel like there are so many things out in the world that I aspire to be and to do.
And I feel like I am at such a dead point in my life, where I'm so young; I'm at my finest right now, and I feel like I'm wasting it all away right now.
I hate waiting to cross something off my bucket list because I have to finish school, or waiting to accomplish my dreams because I have an extreme lack of money.
I'm sick and tired of such large and impossible factors getting in the way of me living my life.
It's so saddening to sit down and have it dawn on me that I am in my prime right now, working at a minimum wage job, taking classes that I can't wait to finish, at a university tha I don't give a fuck about.
All I want to do is live my life, why is it so damn challenging?

Anonymously yours

Thursday, September 29, 2011

i legitimately want my life to end right now.
then i wouldn't have to deal with shit.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

You still make me so nervous.
I hate that you have that effect on me.
Please realize that the feelings I have for you are real.
And I will have them forever.
It sucks, because were friends, and I will always be friends with you.
Even in 50 years, when were friends, I will still have feelings for you.
I like you more than words can express.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The chemistry between us is undeniable.
I feel sparks whenever i'm with you.
All I want is you.
Why can't you want me to?
I'm scared about it too.
I know it's taking a risk.
I clearly understand what it means, i'm in the same boat.
Please just realize what we could have.