Why does commitment freak me out so much?
I can't even think about it, it makes me feel numb inside.
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I would never be able to forgive myself if I ever cheated on someone. It's not even that I think I would be capable of something like that, cause I don't think I am; I just don't want to in the situation.
It also has a lot to do with the fact, that just the thought that anyone would want to spend a commited and dedicated amount of time with me, makes me sick.
Who in their right mind would ever want that? Is what goes on in my head.
It also has to do with my difficulty and fear of letting people in, and giving myself to someone, letting them see my vulnerability.
I've never been good with relationships of any sort due to my commitment phobia.
I know I need to grow up, move on and get over it.
But it's so much harder than it sounds.
I have too much pride to be a slut.
But not enough of anything, to fully let anyone into my life, or to form any real relationships with anyone.
I'm fucked up.
And I am currently fucking up big time.