My heart literally stops when I see you.
Why does it have to be her. Why do you want to be with her. Or why are you telling yourself that you want to be with her.
I know you don't.
The moments we share are unlike anything.
Why can't you realize this.
We want eachother so badly.
We both know this.
The tension between us, could destroy anything.
I want you so bad.

I need you so badly to be present every single day of my life.
The days where you're not, never seen to end.
I want you, in my life forever.
Whatever that needs to mean.
Everytime I see you, feels like I'm feeling alive for the first time.
It scares me constantly that it's you that's making me feel these feelings.
Why can't it be someone easier that makes me feel this way?
I need you. So bad.

K,
I can't explain the feelings I have for you, due to the fact that I myself don't understand them.
I do know though that you make my heart do flip-floppy's whenever I see you.
Whenever I'm near you, I lose my breath.
You make me incredibly nervous.
And I really do think that I'm falling for you.

I can't stop thinking about you.
And it scares me more than anything right now.
This shouldn't be the case.
I shouldn't be thinking of you like this.
And neither one of us should even be in this position.
All that will happen, is my heart being smashed into a million pieces.
Sorry, I'm not really down for that to happen. Again.

You make me so nervous and I hate it.
And I'm scared.
Cause it shouldn't be that way.
And I hate that you have that affect on me.

I honestly cannot wait until you move out.
I can just picture all the amazing times were gonna have.
I love you so much and the people you're moving in with are amazing too.
Just thinking of all the fun times were gonna have :)

I literally don't know where you've been all my life M.
I feel like I've known you for forever, and that's the way I like it.
I don't know exactly what's happened to you in the past, but I want you to always remember that I will never leave you. I will always be here for you.
All the times we have together are amazing, like really? We slept in a field?
Who else would do that except for us.
You're amazing and I can't imagine my life without you in it.
Thanks for always being there for me, and for always being amazing.
I love you forever.

I know I always say it, but I just wanna thank you one more time J, for letting me be a part of your life.
I can't even express what you mean to me, I just get all emotional and the words don't come out right.
But thank you for always being there for me, and thank you for letting me into your group.
Your friends are amazing and I love them all, and I love how I actually feel like I'm one of you guys now.
I can't imagine my life without you in it, and I hope for as long as I live that I'll never have to.
You mean everything to me, and I want you to never forget that.

Here's the deal K,
I can't actually be with you, because it's too scary to think about, and I can't deal with what people will think, my family especially.
But I do have legitimate feelings for you, and it upsets me when you're flirting with other people, especially when you bullshit me into believing that I'm the only one for you, and the only one you're interested in.
I don't play that game.
I'm the girl you work your hardest to get, not the girl that you can just have easily.
Aaannndd if I'm your girl, I'm your only girl. There's no one else.
As soon as you understand this and treat me with the love and respect that I need, we'll see what happens.
Buuuttt, scarily enough, I do actually have feelings for. Stronger feelings than I would care to admit.
They scare me to be honest.

I've never felt more alone in my entire life, than I do now.
There isn't a single person I can talk to about anything.
I'm so confused.
I have no idea who I am anymore or what I want.

I envy people.
I envy people that have a legitimate relationship with their parents.
And most of all I envy people who's parents are pyscho.
I envy people that's fathers actually care about them, and talk to them, and show affection.
I wish that the only words my father said to me weren't things to bring me down, and to make me want to kill myself.
I wish my mom trusted me, and I wish she was happy with who I am, and what I'm doing with my life.
I wish my parents understood me, and I wish they treated me with respect, and let me live my life.
I wish they actually treated me like the grown up that I am, and I wish they understood me.
I wish I could actually tell my mom things.
I wish being home didn't make me want to kill myself.
I wish my parents were like normal parents, like all the ones I see around me.
My family makes me hate my existence.
They are the only thing in my life keeping it from being everything I hope for. And everything that seems perfect for me.
I just want to be gone. That's all.

I had the best time with my boys last night.
Were so funny when were super baked, and I actually remembered all the hilariousness this time.

1. Michael (turns down the music): "Guys blakes freaking out right now and he's the driver. Blake why are you freaking out!?"
Me: "Michael he wasn't freaking out, he was dancing."
Blake: "Yea Michael, I was dancing."

2. Michael: "Everyones middle name is on facebook!"
Me: "No it's not! What's your middle name michael? Space!?"

3. Me: "I am Mrs. I make people feel young again."

4. Michael: "Wow blake what was that? A freakout? Or were you dancing again?"

5. Michael: "I feel so good when I blaze, I just wanna kill someone. Give me a bitch!"

6. Me when Michael wouldn't leave: "REMOVE YOURELF FROM THIS VEHICLE."

love you bj boys.

Girl, I love you so much, I often have a hard time expressing it.
You mean so much to me, and I don't know what I would ever do without you in my life.
You've showed me some of the greatest times I've ever had, and I can't wait to share more amazing times with you.
I know you think you've been placed in my life to toughen me up and to teach me how to stand up for myself. I used to think that was a bunch of bullshit, but I strongly believe in it now.
You are so important, and so special to me. And that one night, even though highly intoxicated, when I thought I lost you, I truly felt like my life was over.
You are one of the most spectacular people I've ever met, and I know that you know I think that of you; but I want you to believe it yourself.
You truly don't understand and probably never will understand how much you mean to me, and how much you've changed my life.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've ever done for me, and I hope immensly that were always friends.
I NEVER want to lose you, and I always want you in my life, forever, no matter what.
I love you so much girl, and I wish you could feel just a sliver of the affection I have for you.
xoxoxox

It's funny cause the second you stop texting me,
and that one day out of the entire week that we go without talking.
Those are the days, where I actually realize that I have a huge honkin crush on you.
Waaahhh :(

It's not that I don't like you, I just don't feel like I know you.
You're too nice for me though.
Aaaand, you scare me away with your feelings for me....
When it all comes down to you and me though,
I'm not gonna listen to what anyone else has to say.
I AM gonna make the decsion, it's my life and no one else has a say in it.
At the end of the day, I'm gonna do what I think is right.
Just please stop trying so hard, in everything you do.
The way you dance, the way you sing, your hair, your clothes.
Just stop.
Just PLEASE be yourself, and PLEASE don't be intimidated by me.

I just don't know how i feel about you.
I do know that if you didn't gel your hair, or wear those cowboy boots, my feelings for you would be a lot more clear.
But as of right now, I don't like how amazing you think I am, and I don't like how much you believe in me, and want to be there for me.
It scares me.
And frankly, I know you're too nice for me.
You need a super nice girl that's just as nice as you are, and you guys can be super nice together for the rest of time.
I'm not nice. I wish I was, but I'm not.
Sorry.
I love your family though, which is a huge reason why this is so hard and confusing.
I just feel like the me that I know I am, can't live up to the person that you think I am.
I'm not nice, or smart, or pretty, or deserving of good friends like you think I am.
And I wish you would see that.

Do you honestly know how long it took me to forget about you?
And you think you can just pop back into my life and everything will be okey?
Really?
You always pick the worst times.
Right, exactly when i forget about you.
When i'm lonely and extremely vulnerable.
When I meet somebody else, a nice somebody else, who is a little too into me, which we all know
I can't stand. And you look good, cause you really could care less about me.
Fuck you, if you think anything will come from this, just cause i'm talking to you.
Fuck you, if you think you can just chat me up whenever you're lonely and need a fuck buddy.
It's not happening.
Fuck you.

This is the placement of the tattoo that I want to get this summer:



I want it to say: "I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."

I love how close this weekend brought us together.
I wouldn't have wanted to spend it with anyone else.
It was perfect in every way, and I fully realized how much you mean to me.
I feel so honored that you would let me spend the time I did, with the amazing people you know.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything,
For including me and showing me the best weekend of my life.
I love you.
And I legitimately hope that we're friends forever.

Literally the best weekend of my life.
I met such amazing people, that I sincerley hope I will know for a long time.
Everything about it was absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
I can't wait for next year, the countdown is on.
Only 359 more days to go...

Am I really ever gonna find someone.
Sometimes, like right now.
I don't think I will.
It just seems so unbelievable and impossible.
And I want it so bad.
Right now.

As if I still want you this much.
It's actually unreal.
When I saw you the other day, I could feel my heart in my throat.
It kills me that we can't even look at eachother anymore.
If only we both weren't so damn awkward.
I don't need anything from you, like you think I do.
I wish you would relaize that.
I just want your company. I just want you.
I wish you could see how perfect we'd be for eachother.
Were complete opposites, which is why we work so well.
We complete eachother.
I wish you'd realize that I'm not too good for you, and I wish you would see yourself how I see you.
I hate how my friends view you, and how you view yourself.
You're so special, and I wish you would see that.
I want you right now, I want to spend this summer with you, and I want it to be the best summer of our lives.
I want to go on walks with you at night, and I want to wake up with you in the mornings.
I want you so bad it hurts to think about.
I don't know how or if I'll ever be able to forget about you.
You mean too much to me.
Please realize how special you are to me and how I want you so badly to be a part of my life.

I still wish for you every night before I go to sleep.
You're all I want.
I want you so badly to want to be with me, not just to want to sleep with me.
I actually care about you more than words can express, and I need you to know and understand that.
It scares me when I think about it, I've never had feelings like this for anyone before.
I hate waiting for you, but I will.
I'll wait for you as long as you need me to.
Please want to be with me.
Cause I can't imagine my life without you.

Dear D,

Just so you know, I've been texting this amazing guy all night who's ACTUALLY interested in me, who just finished university, he has a degree. He wants to hang out sometime, and oh yea did I mention, that my mind keeps telling me it's you. Cause I keep hoping it is. FUCK YOU.

What you don't understand is that I'm prepared to give you everything. You just have to work for it. You have to show me how much you want me. And you have to be in it for the long run. What makes you think that you're so much better than everyone else, that you can just have all of me. Do you really think so highly of yourself? Fuck you. As of right now, you get nothing, and you look like a huge asshole. So it's a lose lose for you suckerr.

I really believed in you. I thought you were legit.

I thought you were a good guy. Really though? You think you can tell me you have no feelings for me. And I'll still sleep with you? You're a huge idiot. You can go fuck yourself.

You don't know the things you do to me when you send me those texts.

I want you so bad it hurts, and you know that. But I'm trying my very hardest to not make it too obvious. Tell me anything and I'll believe you. That's the sad truth. You make me so nervous. Guys don't usually make me nervous. Who knows what I see in you. I sure as hell don't. But I do, weirdly enough, think you're qualified. Lucky you. :)

I don't know what the hell it is about you, that keeps me up EVERY. Single. Night. Wishing you were mine. I still think about you constantly, and everytime I see you my heart goes crazy. I honest to god, don't have a clue what I see in you. And sure as hell can't describe it, but the feelings I have for you I've never felt for anyone before. And I can't, no matter how hard I try, forget about you like everyone wants me to. It won't happen now, or anytime soon. And it kills me that I have to live with these crazy feelings for you, when I've felt all along that you have at least a sliver of that amount of feeling for me. Fuck you for calling me pretty. Fuck you for inviting me to go across the world with you. Fuck you for inviting me to your house. Fuck you for asking for my phone number. Fuck you for smashing my heart into 10 million pieces. I have no one to talk to about my feelings for you. I'm alone. Wishing that I never would have found out the truth, I would have rather lived in mystery, than be this heartbroken. Everyone thinks i'm just exaggerating and being dramatic, but I like you more than words can describe. I have a lot of love to give, and I've always been like that. I've never met someone more loving than I am. It's the only thing I'm good at. And I feel like I'm wasting it all on you. Every text I get, every notification and message I see, I hope are from you. And they never are. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I find it humorous how everyone around me thinks I'm over you, since I don't talk about you anymore.

When in reality, I just don't want to be irritating and keep talking about you.

When in reality, every human I see I think of you.

When in reality, evertime something of yours pops up on my newsfeed my heart dies a little bit inside.

When in reality, everytime I catch a glimpse of you at work, my heart melts.

When in reality, every second of every day I still think about you.

When in reality, I still really like you.

And I want you to know, and I want you to acknowledge me.

And I want you to like me back so badlyy.

You would have been the luckiest fucker in the world.

I would have never cheated on you.

I would have never wanted anything you couldn't give me.

I wouldn't have made you give up anything you love that I don't agree with.

We would have been so happy together.

Everything could have been perfect.

Why can't you see that?

Why can't you see that the fact that we are so different, is what makes us so perfect for eachother.

It's beautiful really.

We compliment eachother perfectly.

We bring the best out in eachother.

Why did you have to end it like this.

You're never gonna find someone that was more perfect for you.

You're never gonna find someone who would've and could've loved you more.

Please don't do this.

It's killing me.

I wish I could let him go. Fuckk.

I was the greatest thing that never happened to you.

Fuck you for ever making me want you.

Fuck you for all the time I wasted thinking about you.

Fuck you for all the time I wasted talking about you.

Fuck you.

You fucked with my head this ENTIRE time.

You never even gave me a chance.

You never even gave me the time of day.

You'll never know how damn lucky you would have been to have me.

I would have been the best fucking girl in the whole world for you.

You will NEVER find anyone as long as you live that was more perfect for you than I was.

Fuck you.

I hope you enjoy your long life of loneliness.

Fuck you.

And I hope when you do realize how much you want me.

That you come chasing me.

Fuck you.

I would've given you anything and everything.

Fuck you.

You lost the greatest thing that never happened to you.

Fuck you.

And all the while, I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up.

-Rose

Amen girl.

Story of my life.

It's funny how everyone continuously tells me to forget about you.

They tell me you're dirt. They tell me I can do so much better than you.

If only they could somehow understand that you're the only one I want.

If only you could somehow understand that GUYS LIKE ME.

You're not the only guy in the world, and I hate myself for doing it, but I always tell guys that I'm seeing somebody, because I don't want to dance with anybody else, I don't want to go out with anybody else, and I don't want to text anybody else late at night.

I TURN DOWN GUYS FOR YOU.

It's a stupid move on my part, but whatever, I'm all about the supid moves.

I just wish that you would man up, and stop being such an ass.

And I wish that you would actually care about something.

I don't feel like you care about me or anything else.

Please care about something.

Please don't forget about me.

Please ask me out.

I know you're not good for me, and I know I should just stop thinking about you,

but I just can't.

When we talk I have a crush on you, and afterwards I feel lukewarm about you.

As soon as I don't hear from you for a while, I go crazy.

I realize how much I legitimately like you.

Yes I obviously want to go to Europe with you.

Yes I obviously wanna come to your house.

Fuck you for tempting me.

Are you ever actually finna ask me out, orr....

Aaaaahh you kill me.

I've never been good at playing hard to get, or when others play hard to get.

But this is harder than ANYTHING.

PLEASE text me, I'm begging you.

This thing always happens to me where i'm just living my life, no guys are really a part of it, I don't really like anyone, nothing exciting is really happening.

Then all of a sudden BAM, all these guys seriously come out of nowhere and are all of a sudden situated in my life.

This guy D, decides he's finally gonna get back to me, asks for my fucking phone number.

This guy S, I meet at the bar. He seems like a super sweet guy, but he may have some major flaws I don't know about.

This guy L, wants to hang out. Still. I still don't want to.

All of a sudden I have options, all of a sudden my life get's a little more interesting.

2 funny quotes to share with you guys!


The first one is from my friend R. He is extremely full of himself, I guess you could say that he thinks he's God's gift to man :) Buuut I love him anyways. Anyways his quote was as follows:

"I am almost my own sexual fantasy." I laughed pretty hard at this one.

The second one is from my friend J.

"I'm too legit to die."

I love my friends :)

Honestly who the fuck do you think you are.

You think that you can just ignore me for 3 weeks when I'm making all the moves, then come back into my life and tell me that you just fucking forgot to respond, that you just fucking remembered now.

FUCK YOU.

That doesn't make me feel any better, all it makes me want to do is punch you in the face you asshole.

I'm so done with you, so stop fucking with my head.

E,

You are an amazing girl, and if anyone knows how you feel about your issues, it's me.

We shared some serious conversation topics that week, and we talked about some deep stuff.

I'm so glad, that you were the one I got fucked up with that night.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I hope that one day we could be sister-in-laws, but don't tell J yet, I don't wanna freak him out.

You are an extrodinary person, and I don't want you ever to forget it as long as you live.

Thanks for changing the way I talk forever :)

If I'm ever in the bay area, I'll for sure call you up.

Maybe we can do some more shots together ;)

Lovee you so much girl.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of me that one night.

You are hands down the most amazing person I've ever met.

It sucks super hard that you have a girlfriend. But she's one lucky bitch.

You are the biggest sweetheart, and I will never forget how you looked after me.

Sorry for waking you up, but thanks for carrying me around, and making sure I didn't hurt myself. Thanks for making sure I didn't go swimming with a pedophile, and thanks for making sure I was safe.

Jo, you are an angel and I will never forget everything you did for me.

Call me up if you're ever single again.

F & M,

You guys are some of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.

I had an amazing week with you guys, you're like my little baby girls :)

I'm so happy to meet you, and I feel so blessed to have you girls in my life.

I sincerely hope that we see eachother again sometime.

Thank you so much for making that week one of the most memorable weeks of my entire life.

Lovee you guys to death, stay amazing.

JD,

You are the cutest little thing ever.

Not gonna lie, I do wish that I was the one you snuggled with every night.

And I do wish that I was the one you had a crush on.

Nevertheless, we had some amazing times together.

You make me laugh like crazy.

If only I was 14/15 again, I would be all over that :)

Anywayys, stay fucking adorable.

Maybe someday we'll see eachother again, and sparkss will fly :)

If not, I sincerely hope that you and M stay in love, and make adorable babies.

I fucking love you guys to death.

Honest to god, the week we spent together was one of the best weeks of my life.

Age doesn't matter, and the older kids missed out on some of the funnest times ever.

I don't regret ditching them for one second.

And I sure as hell don't regret anything we did together.

I'm so glad that I was the one that got all of you guys as drunk as you've ever been.

And I'm super glad that you guys are a part of my life.

I hope and pray more than anything that you guys will never forget the times we spent together. And I honestly hope that we will see eachother again someday.

I will never as long as I live forget the week we were together.

And I won't forget a single one of you. Ever.

Each one of you is an extrordinary person.

Don't. Ever. Change.

M,

You're stronger than anyone I know.

Honestly, don't let all the haters get you down.

All those girls that start fights with you, are just jealous.

They're jealous of everything you have that they don't.

And they're jealous of the fact that you actually have legitimate friends who care about you, who you're actually out with trying to have a good time.

Don't let them stop you from going out and having a good time.

Stay strong, and don't ever stop being so amazing.

I'm so done with you it's not even funny.

I finally realize so clearly how much I honestly mean to you.

I apologized for absolutely nothing, I did nothing wrong.

And I didn't even deserve a response from you.

What you don't realize is that you would have been the luckiest guy in the world to be with me.

I would have given you everything, I would've given you the world.

It's 100% your loss, and the saddest thing of all is how you'll never know.

It absolutely kills me that you never even got to know who I am and what I'm about.

But I can't just keep making all the moves,

and I can't just keep chasing you.

Believe me, I wanted this to work more than anything, but you showed me last night, that we will NEVER work.

I'll never get back all those moments I've thought about you.

All the time I've spent with you.

All the nights I couldn't sleep cause I was thinking of you.

Or even the nights when I cried myself to sleep over you.

I hope you find the person your looking for.

And GOD FREAKING BLESS THEIR HEART.

They're gonna have to put up with you,

and your disorganization, and your forgetfulness, and the fact that your incredibly anti social and a terrible conversationalist.

All the things that sound so terrible when you say them out loud, but at the end of the day, they're the things that make you you.

And I love them.

As incredibly frustrating as they are.

But I honest to god can't do this anymore.

Which is why it's over, before it ever even really began.

I've only known you for like a year and a half,

but you're one of the most amazing people I know,

and I can tell were gonna be friends for a LONG time!

You're always in a good mood, and I love hanging out with you.

You always have good advice, and you're amazing to have in a crazy situation.

I love going on dates with you and being the only white people in the restaurant.

I love creeping on our bosses lovers as well :)

I'm so glad I met you, you're a phenomenal person, and I love you SO so much.

Stay amazing, and NEVER change :)

Did that really just happen.

Did I really just humiliate myself on a whole other level.

Yes, it's true I did just APOLOGIZE for giving you my phone number.

And yes, you did just fucking log off of facebook, without even reading what I had to say.

Cool.

So, what exactly does this mean?

I'm incredibly confused.

Incredibly humiliated.

And most of all incredibly devestated.

I don't understand who you think you are.

And I don't understand how you expect people to respect you when you act like the biggest idiot of all.

You constantly say the most ridiculous things.

And you constantly make yourself look like the most uneducated person ever.

You yell at people for no reason, about things that don't matter, and things that you consistently do yourself.

You expect people to respect you, but how are we supposed to when any speck of positive qualities you posess are so deeply hidden.

You don't even realize that you are the most mocked person.

Everyone thinks you're a joke.

I don't remember hating anyone as much as I hate you.

And I can't remember a time in which I ever felt a sliver of respect towards you.

I look down upon you, even at my age I feel like I'm far more superior than you'll ever dream of being.

Man up.

Stop acting like a fool.

Stop treating everyone like dirt.

Stop trying to be such a hard ass.

Stop being such a hypocrite.

Start trying to actually treat the people close to you with respect,

and start trying to act like a real father figure.

I can't even remember a time in my life where I've legitimately loved you.

Not every kid is as bad as you were.

And not every kid deserves to be treated as a criminal like you were.

Since you haven't proved to me this far into my life that you are a valuable member of society, you can:

1. Leave me alone.

2. Stop trying to act like you have any control over what I do.

3. Stop trying to act like my father now, seeing as I basically grew up without you being one.

4. Stop being such a ridiculous fool.

Oh, and don't even begin to think that you'll be walking me down the aisle at my wedding. Never in hell would you get the honor of walking me down the aisle, when I never even had the honor of having a father figure who loved me in the slightest.

Understood?

K, cool.

I am super blessed to work at the most amazing job ever.

I love my boss more than anything.

And the girls I work with are amazing.

I'm especially enjoying working days this year.

It's quieter during the days, and I absolutely love the other day girls.

Thanks girls for the constant dance parties.

Thanks for all the snacks we've shared.

Thanks for all the good times.

Love you all to death.

J. P. M.

Honest to god, you're the greatest friend anyone could ask for.

I don't understand how ANYONE could argue otherwise.

Thanks for holding my giant bag for me :)

I love working with you.

I love dancing with you.

I love drinking with you.

Lovee you :)

I want my life to revolve around everything you do.

Absolutely every single thing reminds me of you.

Every movie I watch.

Every song I hear.

Every couple I see.

I want you so bad.

Every time I think of you,

every single time I know were in the same building.

It feels like my heart is being torn another time.

Every time I see you I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

I don't know what it is about you,

I can't even begin to explain it,

but you make me nervous,

and you give me butterflies.

I miss you so much it kills me.

I miss your voice.

I miss our pointless conversations.

I miss seeing you walk by.

I haven't even begun to succeed at getting over you,

And I really don't think I will any time.

Please man up.

I'm begging you.